As a sex coach, a common issue that I hear from women is on the topic of orgasm. I often hear statements like, “I have never had an orgasm so I am not sure if I am able to.”, or “How do I know if I have had an orgasm? I think I’ve had one but I am not sure.”
My answer to both is that unless a medical diagnosis has been made, let’s assume that you are perfectly capable of reaching an orgasm and if you are not sure whether or not you have had one yet, then you might not have had one. There are different levels of intensity when it comes to orgasm but I would consider each to be obvious.
I have heard women say that they want their first orgasm to be with a partner, and this is indeed a romantic notion to have because orgasming with a partner is special, but also being able to make yourself orgasm is just as important. Self pleasure is a form of self care and an embodiment of self love. When you can give yourself this glorious sensation, you strengthen your own connection with yourself and it also makes it easier to cum with a partner because you know what gets you ‘there’.
I bring up more points about how to achieve orgasm with a partner in this article but right now what I am focusing on is all about how you can please yourself.
If you have never had an orgasm before or are not sure if the one you experienced really was an orgasm then I will share with you a guaranteed method to achieving one quickly and easily.
I first explored masturbation with my fingers and it was a great place to start, but once I started using toys, it was a game changer. Sex toys took my orgasms to the next level and they worked extremely fast. I could easily give myself multiple orgasms in one night, with little break in between. Masturbation reached another level of playfulness and excitement for me. All orgasms I have given myself are good but nothing compares to the deeply felt orgasm I experience from my Polly.
This toy is unique from most because it is designed to be used outside of the vagina, with all of its work being focused on the clit. I would describe the sensation I experience from my Polly as gentle pressure with a light sucking sensation. I couldn’t understand the sensation at first as it was alien to me and I had difficulty holding it on my clit for too long. The sucking sensation was so intense initially and I felt that I could cum in under 30 seconds. Now I am able to hold it there much longer and with more intensity, but I have learned that it is better to take my time so I can keep it at lower speeds.
I truly believe that this toy has a 100% success rate based on my own experience and from what my friends have told me but I am aware that there are additional elements needed to create the perfect orgasm. One of the crucial ones being the ability to mentally surrender. It is generally harder to cum with a partner because a great deal of comfort and trust may be necessary. When it’s just you pleasing yourself, there is no performance anxiety or time pressure. Sometimes our daily stressors or negative thought patterns may creep in while we are trying to relax into our masterbation practice, and when this happens I fantasize about some sexy scenario that I mentally created and almost always that thought brings me back to pleasure and the sensations in my body.
I will walk you through a brief example of one of my fantasies for some inspiration….
I like to imagine that the clit sucker is my fantasised lover's lips and he is going slowly and gently at first. He then decides to go a little harder to take me near the edge, but not quite. Suddenly he gives it all he has and my reaction is to push his face away, but then he fights to keep it there a little longer until i surrender and let the wave of ecstasy ride through me.
Usually I put in a little more effort into this fantasy by imagining a sexy environment, changing the lovers, maybe involving more people, etc. The point is that your fantasy is whatever you want it to be.
When I combine this fantasy, the Polly, and a little breathwork, I am shivering in ecstatic bliss until I fall asleep with a cheeky grin across my face.
I have been telling all my girlfriends about this toy since I first experienced it, and I intend to gift it to them for their birthdays if they don’t purchase it for themselves first. My lovers are also very aware of it because I like to use it during sex occasionally to spice things up.
If you still have difficulty achieving orgasm after using this toy then I would advise working with a coach or therapist to address any mental blockages induced by negative self beliefs or trauma that can be stopping you from achieving your highest potential of pleasure.
Danielle Graves is a relationship & intimacy coach and sex therapist in training. She focuses on teaching others how to deepen human connection, increase intimacy, and fully embody the person who deserves to love and be loved.
Ps: Exclusive to our Hedonistas - book your first FREE session with Danielle. Simply mention #wearehedonistas on daniellegraves.com.