If you are reading this article chances are you have already experienced faking an orgasm. You’re not alone as the majority of women claim to have faked an orgasm at least once in their life. Faking an orgasm may feel like a harmless act in the moment but the continuation of this act is further enabling less than satisfactory sex to continue. It does not do either party any favours as one person will continually use the technique they thought you enjoyed and you will continue to build up frustration.
To put this into a different perspective, imagine that you and your partner drive to your favourite cafe every weekend. He insists on driving the same route but you know there is a much more scenic and quicker route you both can take. Instead of convincing him to try out your route, you hold back because you don’t want to have a conflict and his route gets to the cafe anyway. Week after week he continues on his old route while your enjoyment to get to this cafe dwindles. This is a scenario that reflects what it is like to fake an orgasm.
Researchers from the International Academy of Sex Research found that women who believed a female orgasm was necessary for a man’s sexual gratification were more likely to fake an orgasm compared to women who have never faked an orgasm.
There are many other reasons as to why one would fake an orgasm. Some of these reasons include:
- The desire to please their partner by faking an orgasm is rooted in fear that the partner would leave them if the sex isn’t good enough.
- The belief that they are unable to cum with a partner so it is easier to fake it and then masturbate to completion on their own time.
- Viewing pornography glorifies the females ability to achieve multiple orgasms (even though they are mostly acting) so we feel that we need to embody a sexually liberated porn star in order to feel sexy and/or impress our partner.
- Some people really put the pressure on whether or not the other person has cum yet so if we want the sex to end, then faking an orgasm would accomplish that.
- It may be discouraging to our partner if we are too quiet but exaggerated moans may be mistaken for an orgasm.
- You may have a partner who always cums before you and then turns over and asks “Have you cum yet?”. You say yes in order to not hurt their feelings even though you know a few more minutes would have gotten you there and hope it gets better next time around.
If you want to have better sex that results in you having a real orgasm, then the first thing you need to do is stop faking it. Second would be having an honest conversation with your partner and third is about self exploration. Most importantly, none of this will be as effective if you are unable to get out of your head and into your body during the act.
A few more things to consider…
Following my last point about being too in your head during sex, it is important to consider how open you are to the things your partner is doing. Perhaps what they are doing makes you slightly uncomfortable, which keeps you in your headspace.
Are you having sex to have the orgasm or are you having sex to connect? I find the best sex to be when there is a good, trusting connection with the partner and the sex itself is based on exploring what feels good while being playful, with no added pressure of having to orgasm.
Here are a few scenarios and ways to bring up this conversation in order to get the most favourable response:
If your partner is doing things you don’t like….
The thing about not knowing what feels right means that we likely know what feels wrong. If our partner is doing something that doesn’t feel good or brings us to the edge but never over the peak then we can provide verbal feedback in the moment that won’t take away from the experience.
For example, if you prefer a light touch then you can say in a few words “lighter” or “less pressure”. If you enjoy it hard and fast then say “harder” and “faster”.
To know what to ask for requires getting out of your head and into your body. Being pressured to have an orgasm makes it harder to cum, but focusing on what feels good moment to moment can make it easier. Don’t forget to encourage your partner as they get close so they know to continue that technique. A simple “yes” or “that feels amazing” should do the trick.
A word of warning though, too much prescriptive feedback throughout [such as “up, down, left, right, harder, faster, there, yes, no, maybe, …] might not be well received. It can take away from the moment and does not allow for much spontaneity, keeping you in your head and putting your partner under constant pressure. He may feel like he is constantly getting it wrong and wonder why you don’t just do it yourself. There are men out there that claim to love a lot of direction and others who don’t. In these cases it is better to ask before hand whether they are open to feedback throughout.
If you have never experienced an orgasm and do not know what to ask for…
If having an orgasm comes difficult to you or has not ‘cum’ to you at all then it is harder to direct our partner in the right direction. The most important conversation happens when you are not engaged in the act of sex. Bringing up this topic might be hard so choose the right time of day and environment where both you and your partner can give each other undivided attention to have this talk.
For example, you can introduce this topic by saying,
“I want to talk about our sex lives….I have been thinking about some things that I would like to try. I don't have specifics in mind but I do know I would like us to create an environment where there is no pressure to have an orgasm. I want us to take a lot more time to explore different sensations before there is any penetration.”
Or more simply put, “I want to have an environment where we can try new stuff, be playful, and laugh about it if it doesn't work.”
If you know how to orgasm while masturbating but believe that only your toy is what will take you there...
Knowing how to bring yourself to an orgasm makes it much easier to reach with a partner. Like the above scenario, self reflection is required. Pay attention to the environment you are in when you cum, your mindset, whether you have to fantasise or watch porn, what sensations you use to get yourself to the edge, what it feels like as those sensations build up. Try to recreate that scenario with your partner and maybe after you have been sexual a handful of times you can get them comfortable with the idea of including your toys while you’re together. I would suggest trying to first cum together naturally as a priority and include the toys for additional pleasure during sex instead of relying of it as the main source.
Some people might get offended at this notion because they think they have been giving you the best sex ever and don’t need to extra help. This is why it is important to be honest with them and stop faking orgasms. Saying something along the lines of, “What you do feels amazing and so does playing with my toys. I think combining the two would feel incredible and I want to share that moment with you. This does not mean I think you are a bad lover, I just want to explore more sensations together.”
Don’t forget that most of the dilemma is in your head. Why it is easier to cum when you masturbate is that you know your body and you know that you will cum. If you have not cum with a partner then your mind has not created this expectation and thus lowers its expectations. There is no guarantee that you will cum with a partner but that ability to let go of an expectation or lack thereof can be your ticket to the emerald city.
If you have been faking an orgasm for so long that you are afraid to tell your partner it has not been genuine…
Perhaps you have been with the same partner for a long time and the idea of telling him that you have been faking it terrifies you. There is a way to go about this that does not destroy the chemistry. If you are genuine about how you feel and validate them by letting them know that they have done things you enjoy or that you still want to be with them then the conversation can go smoother. I recommend trying the above methods first and revealing that you have been faking it as a last resort. If you have tried everything from being more experimental, taking more time to include foreplay, and changing up the style you didn’t enjoy then maybe it is simply that there is a lack of sexual compatibility.
If this issue is occurring with a long term partner that you want to continue being with and trust that what you share will be honoured and considered then here is something you can say.
“There is something I want to share with you about our sex life that has been hard for me to bring up. Sex with you feels [ blank (insert a positive feeling word that is true)] but i have been struggling with reaching a full orgasm even though there were times I was close or thought I did…[introduce the notion that there are different types and levels of orgasm if he asks what you mean].
If he wants more information you can explain...
“I have been so conditioned to faking it with previous partners that it has now become a habit I can’t seem to break. I want it to be different with you first of all because you are very special to me and I need to be able to allow this orgasm to come naturally without pressure.”
At the end of the day, it is important to keep your best interest in mind and be mindful about what you need in order to have the best sexual experiences. It can seem hard to have orgasms as a woman, especially with a partner, but you probably know at least one friend who has been multi-orgasmic and I can personally assure you that they are not lying. I know when I am with a partner and it does not feel safe, comfortable, explorative, or connected… then I don’t cum. This notion involved a lot of self awareness, honesty and experience to come to and I am now more capable of choosing the right partner. Let’s approach sex from an honest and genuine place so that it brings us closer to our partners and to ourselves.
Danielle Graves is a relationship & intimacy coach and sex therapist in training. She focuses on teaching others how to deepen human connection, increase intimacy, and fully embody the person who deserves to love and be loved.
Ps: Exclusive to our Hedonistas - book your first FREE session with Danielle. Simply mention #wearehedonistas on daniellegraves.com.