Kink culture has begun to enter the mainstream media and industry, with movies like 50 Shades of Grey shedding some (albeit inaccurate) light on BDSM.  This July, we celebrate national BDSM day on the 24th of July by getting you in-the-know on what it means to be kinky and to really understand what BDSM is all about.

What is BDSM?

BDSM stands for, bondage, discipline/dominance, submission and masochism. Although BDSM can be correlated to sex or activities of a sexual nature, for some people, it is about mindfulness. Specifically, in the practice of mindful sex, by focusing on the sensation of pain and turning it into pleasure. 

A brief history of BDSM

There’s been evidence of BDSM being practised and passed down in stories from centuries ago. Think back to Ancient Mesopotamia, one of the first known advanced human civilisations. Some records of BDSM happened in Mesopotamian where time goes back till 3100 BC!

There are stories of BDSM that also commonly involve Gods and Goddesses. Take the goddess Inanna, the goddess of passion and fertility. There have been stories telling of Inanna whipping her followers into an erotic, sexual frenzy. Now that’s dominance! 

In Ancient Greece, there was something called, “flagellation” meaning to be flogged or beaten for religious punishment or for sexual gratification. It would be used as a rite of passage into cults, or even in practices of worship. 

With more mainstream media shedding light onto BDSM, it has become less of a taboo and more people are beginning to understand the appeal of BDSM and how it could add more flavour into their sex lives.  

Dominance, Submission and Switch

You may have heard of the terms, “dom” and “sub” and they mean dominant and submissive respectively. The general idea is that one participant is a submissive, who is the recipient of different acts such as being bound or gagged while the dominant is the person in control of the submissive. This can also include the dominant making the submissive perform acts of service for or on them, such as giving a massage, masturbating while being observed, etc. 

Less commonly heard, is a switch. A switch is basically a person who enjoys switching between a dominant and a submissive. Some people may fit purely into the role of a dominant only or a submissive only, and that is perfectly alright. 

If it’s your first time trying BDSM, we encourage you to give both sides a try to see what gets you off and if you find enjoyment being on either role or both sides of the spectrum, you do you!

You got me interested…now what?

Looking to dip your toes into the wonderful world of BDSM? Here’s some tips on how to make it fun, enjoyable and safe for all parties involved. 

Communication is key

Remember that BDSM is about healthy and consensual play. BDSM only has to be as intense as you desire it to be. If this is your first rodeo with BDSM, make sure that you are being sensitive to your partner’s needs, what is being expressed and take it slow. This makes BDSM more fun for all parties involved!

Safety and communication is of utmost importance in BDSM, do ensure that there is a mutual understanding between you and your partner(s) regarding what will take place and where boundaries lie. For example, you may want to consider having a conversation about elements such as things that can and cannot be said, areas that are no go zones etc that may be too extreme and what the deal breakers are to ensure that no one crosses the line of boundary. 

There are also some commonly used acronyms for the rules of safety within the BDSM community that are helpful to keep in mind as you engage in a play session:

• SSC (safe, sane, consensual)
• RACK (risk, awareness, consensual, kink) 

Before beginning any kind of BDSM play, make sure that everyone is in the right frame of mind and has full awareness (I.e. without the use of alcohol that could impede one’s judgement), this is to make sure everyone can have fun within the limits. RACK is meant to educate all parties on the possible dangers that come with kink and give their full consent to it. 

You may also wish to ensure the safety of your play session in advance, including knowing where the keys to the handcuffs are, having a pair of scissors kept somewhere nearby for quick release if necessary. 

Consent and using your safe words 

Safe words are a mutual agreement between you and your partner that if at any moment, one individual feels uncomfortable or wants to stop, they just have to use their safe word and with no questions asked, the play stops.

Your safe words can be as unique and ridiculous as you want! This is actually recommended as you should try to avoid obvious words like, “no” or “stop” as they may sometimes be used in a situation where you actually  mean it but your partner thinks it means something else. You could use random words for instance, “blue cheese”, “purple donkey”, “pineapple”, “beetlejuice”... - well you get the idea. 

However if you can’t think of a creative way to form your own safe words, you may wish to adopt the “traffic light system”, as it is a very simple and effective way to communicate  your feelings and needs in BDSM play. 

Red (STOP): Red simply means to stop whatever is happening immediately with no questions asked. We encourage you to use this when you feel uncomfortable and when things start to get too overwhelming for you or when you have changed your mind and no longer consent to a situation. 

Yellow (SLOW DOWN): Although you may have enjoyed what was happening or whatever your partner was doing, if you need them to slow down, call out for this colour. When you feel like you need them to tone down the intensity or step back, you can call out for this colour. Especially if it’s starting to become physically uncomfortable and painful. 

Green (GO): Green means go, it can be used to convey that you feel good, you’re enjoying what they’re doing and you would like them to carry on. 

Another safe technique for a situation where you may be in a ball gag is to hold a ball in your hand. The moment the ball is dropped it means whatever that may have been taking place during the session has to come to an immediate halt. Check-in with your partner on how they feel and if all is good, carry on with the play. 

Whipping out the toys 

BDSM play is flexible and can be tailored to however you and your partner(s) may want to play. For some, they simply enjoy the feeling of being restrained by handcuffs while their partner gently strokes their erogenous zones. Some prefer blindfolds, while some may prefer incorporating the use of a whip/paddle/flogger and some spanking. 

If this is your first time to BDSM we recommend using a blindfold by muting one of the primary senses which then leads to amplifying your other senses and allowing the experience of pleasure to feel like never before. If you’re playing a dominant role for the first time, staying out of sight can be helpful for you and keep you empowered in the event you start to become nervous of what to do to your submissive next. 

For such a scenario, Hedonist has the Knotty But Nice Gift set just for you! This curated gift set comes bundled with a satin blindfold, a pair of pearl nipple clamps and the sensual teaser duo to ease you into any scene.

By the way, Hedonist has also launched a new set of BDSM toys for you to experiment with! The toys include a silicone ball gag, furry leather collar, wrist and ankle furry cuffs and a Giddy Up whip!

These are wonderful toys to help keep any submissive obedient while the master dominants take control of the room. 

Aftercare 

Just as in regular vanilla sex, aftercare with BDSM is especially important! Both parties should always check in with their partners to make sure that everyone is okay both physically and mentally after a play session. If you’re a hugger, a good cuddle time with your partner after an intense scene can prove comforting. However for some of us who may not be into cuddling, you can try having some chocolate treats lying around for you and your partner to indulge in. Chocolate contains tryptophan, which the body uses to produce serotonin AKA, a happy hormone, that can help all parties relax and soothe their senses. This is especially essential after you may have experienced an intense surge of sensations and feelings that requires thoughtful recovery. 

Regardless of whichever style you gravitate to for aftercare, having an open-hearted conversation about your experience after a play session with your partner is a great way to establish a positive pleasure discovery towards BDSM. 

How to introduce BDSM to your partner 

Introducing your partner to BDSM requires tact and timing, start small! You may choose to increase the intensity over time as all parties start to feel more comfortable and with more experience. 

Try introducing BDSM while your partner is aroused. Arousal can encourage your partner to let go of their inhibition and be more receptive to suggestions. Suggest it as a way to spice up your routine. It could start with a light tap on their bottom, a little nibbling of the nipples, soft gentle strokes with your finger along their inner thighs and so on. 

It’s also best to be very clear and specific about the type of activities you would like to engage in. These discussions are usually best had outside of the bedroom where everyone is clear headed and present. If your partner shows any sign of resistance or expresses that they don’t want to engage, it is your responsibility to respect that choice and not to pressure or coerce them into trying BDSM. 

For those of you who may be thinking of a way to introduce your partner to BDSM in a safe space, we invite you to our Introduction to Kink workshop here! This workshop welcomes all genders and those of you curious to learn more about kink with a pleasure expert sharing her own personal stories and experiences!

Before we close off, allow us to leave you with this analogy of an ice cream. Regular sex is known as vanilla sex, just like with vanilla ice cream, it’s good on its own but sometimes you feel like adding some sprinkles onto your ice cream. Those sprinkles represent BDSM, there to add flavour and extra sweetness to the vanilla. Now who doesn’t like a little sprinkle in their lives once in a while?