BDSM Play Party 101
This little guide is drawn from Mr. Hedone’s experiences at a few play parties. If you want to find out more there is a wealth of online information and advice on every aspect of kink.
Go to a munch
If you live in a society with liberal attitudes towards sex and sexual difference you can dive straight in to the BDSM scene by going to a public fetish club/dungeon but in many places the scene is more underground, so you have to dig a little harder.
The digging is quite easy. Go online and key in a search – BDSM groups + your location. Unless you’re living near the North Pole (but, actually, who knows? There are 79 permanent research stations across Antarctica so, for all Mr. Hedone knows, there may be a vibrant kink scene amid the tundra) you will get plenty of results.
Step two, register with a local group you like the look of. Their social media or website is likely to advertise upcoming events. See when the next ‘munch’ is, and register to go. A munch is a casual social gathering for people involved in or interested in BDSM. It’s a great way to dip your toe in the water. They are usually held in bars on a weekday evening, so you can just show up in streetwear or a business suit. Expect some of the regulars to be wearing something a little more outré.
What to wear
There’s no limit to what you can wear to a BDSM play party. Conversely, there are strictures about what you shouldn’t show up in. An outfit consisting of beach shorts and grotty T-shirts is unsuitable, and the organiser/host would be within their rights to turn you away. It’s possible they might take pity on you as a clueless newbie but don’t expect them to let it go a second time, or even a first time.
If you’re interested enough to attend a munch and then take the plunge and attend a party, doesn’t it make sense to order some fetishwear online? Dressing up is integral to kink and, when in Rome…
Private party dress codes are laid down by the host and/or hostess. If you are unsure what to wear check in with the host, and do them a favour by dressing (i.e. non-kinky) when arriving so as not to draw the attention of nosy neighbours. Get changed at the venue, or at least wear a coat to cover your kink outfit.
Check with your host or take cues from other guests before taking everything off to engage in play. Although full nudity is accepted at most private parties it’s not a common sight because the crowd, by its nature, is turned on by wearing and looking at fetishwear. The panties might come off but the boots and latex opera gloves are probably going to stay on.
Do not do these things
BDSM play parties and swinger parties share a lot of common ground in matters of etiquette. Just because a woman is naked or dressed provocatively is not an open invitation to contact. Don’t touch anyone without first asking their permission.
It’s simple, really. Negotiate all contact. Ask politely. No means no, and that goes for women as well as men. Don’t assume to know someone’s kinks, comfort zones, or limits.
Specific to BDSM, do not touch a submissive without first asking their dominant for permission. Subs are not communal property, available to be touched and groped by anybody who passes by. Don’t issue commands or instructions to any submissive you haven’t negotiated with.
(Image: Whip Me Good Flogger)
Don’t touch a sub’s collar. For some BDSM practitioners a collar is more than an erotic accessory, it is symbolic of the relationship between a dominant and a submissive, and touching it without permission is an affront. Feel free to compliment someone on their collar. They might then invite you to touch it.
When you meet someone and start chatting, don’t ask intimate questions about where they live or work.
Most play parties ban any kind of photography. If you really want to take a picture, get permission from everyone and ideally also from a Dungeon Monitor (DM – see below), and frame it so there are no unwitting subjects in the background. It’s simpler just to forget about taking photos.
Don't take it personally if you are turned down. The object of your desire may be with a monogamous partner, or only play with people they have talked to beforehand (in which case you can ask to exchange contact details later and set something up for another time), or they may just want a break.
Nobody likes the guy in the busy gym who hogs the only rowing machine for an hour. By the same token, be aware of demand for equipment at a party. A party isn’t the best place for an epic two-hour scene.
Does this really need saying? Don’t arrive tipsy and don’t drink excessively at the event. If you want to get boozed up, go to the pub.
Dungeon Monitors
Dungeon Monitors are there to help the party go smoothly and ensure everyone is safe. They often wear a special uniform, hat or armband, but there is no standard DM marker. Don’t assume DMs are all burly men in looking like something out of Tom of Finland. At one party Mr. Hedone attended the DMs were all young women sheathed in latex and PVC.
Irrespective of whether a DM identifies as a submissive, their authority is absolute while on duty. If a DM orders a play scene to stop, it must be stopped immediately.
DMs also spiff up equipment between scenes, if the players themselves don’t do it themselves; cleaning surfaces, replacing pads, and generally prepping a play area for action.
More on consent
Consent is the cornerstone of BDSM. It’s what separates the fantasy of control from actual control.
The problem most kinksters have with Fifty Shades of Grey, aside from the implied connection between childhood trauma and BDSM (research indicates BDSM practitioners are no more likely to have suffered childhood trauma than anyone else), is the way billionaire perv Christian Grey ignores safe words and generally rides roughshod over the dom-sub contract Anastasia has signed up to.
In the real world, a submissive tops from the bottom. She, or he, is the one who determines what can or cannot be done, and has the ability to end any scene – effectively revoking their consent – at any time. Behave like Christian Grey at a BDSM play party and it won’t be long before a DM is called over and you are heading for the exit door.
In BDSM, as in swinging, nothing will burn your bridges faster with the community than getting a reputation for being a pushy consent violator.
A note on cultural differences. In Asia, for example, there is a tendency to avoid confrontation, and saying ‘No’ to a stranger might be something some Asians find awkward. Westerners, who tend to be more direct, should be sensitive to this. Read a person’s body language as well as what they say: ‘maybe’ is not yes; giggling is not yes.
(Image: Pearl Nipple Clamps)
Do these things
As in any social gathering, it’s easier to meet people if you are friendly and open minded. The basic rules of social interaction apply. Treat everyone with respect, regardless of their role, and you can’t go far wrong.
If you want to use sex toys, bring your own. Don’t touch other people’s toys without permission.
Standard protocol is that anything which penetrates anyone should be covered with a condom, and a new condom be used with the next person. The hostess may arrange for condoms to be on hand around play stations, but it’s a good idea to bring your own – a brand you like and you know fits. Latex gloves might be supplied for digital play.
Remember that intercourse is only one aspect of BDSM. Consensual power exchange is more important, and condoms are likely to be rolled over more penetrative sex toys than erect cocks.
Watching play
Feel free to watch play at a BDSM party but bear in mind it’s not entertainment, per se. That’s not to say the players don’t enjoy being watched. They almost certainly do or, at the least, they don’t mind it. Even so, give people sufficient space to enjoy doing whatever it is they’re doing without feeling hemmed in.
From not much more than a metre away Mr. Hedone has watched the same guy he had chatted to over a glass of wine half an hour before, chained to a four-poster bed and constricted by a steel cock cage, being enthusiastically pegged from behind by a woman in a latex nurse uniform. The room was small and quite crowded. Two or three metres would have been better.
Keep your voice down. Don’t make remarks or offer a running commentary. Compliment them when they are done, if you like. Oh, and don’t masturbate while you are watching. Wanking away is likely to distract everyone.
What may seem worryingly heavy to you might be normal in someone else’s style of play. If you see something concerning, go find a DM. Leave any intervention to the DM. Remember, people involved in intense scenes will be experienced and therefore versed in the use of safe words and safe objects to keep things within their personal boundaries.
Playing
In the context of BDSM, ‘play’ means any kinky activity across the whole spectrum of intensity and social acceptability. If it’s your first event, you’ll may well be doing more mingling and watching than playing. Soak it in and enjoy being in a sex-positive environment. Play when you are ready.
Negotiating participation if play is already underway isn’t straightforward. Be patient and don’t interrupt. If the participants invite you in, great, but don’t try to catch someone’s eye when they are occupied. It might put them off their stroke.
It is possible to get it on with someone new at a party. Wait until they are not engaged and ask if they’d be interested in doing a scene. Have a good idea of what you'd like to do. They’re likely to respond with a question – “What do you have in mind?” – so at least have a general idea.
Finally
Don’t get so stressed about how it all works that you forget to have fun. BDSM play parties are friendly and inclusive. Be yourself. Kinky people are good bullshit detectors. Being honest and straightforward about your intentions and interests will serve you well.
By Mr. Hedone
Image by: Wattpad
